Sunday, 14 December 2014

'A Perfect Christmas' by Kev Milsom (written 2003, re-edited 2014)


T'was Christmas time up in Lapland,
old Santa stood wiping his brow,
'I hope Farmer Giles will be pleased' said he,
as he finished gift-wrapping a cow.
But working nearby in the corner, stood
a young elf named Fnarg Applepip,
who sighed loud and then shouted in anger,
'I can't get this bottle into this ship!'
In his rage he picked up the tangled wood
and threw it hard, along with the glass.
The ship's maiden voyage was a sail through the air,
before it docked, deep in old Santa's ass.
The helpers all started to panic
and poor Fnarg went as white as a mint,
while Santa uttered some very bad words
as his rear went a shocking, red tint.
His helpers, they rallied and started to tug
but, although their pulling was frantic,
protruding from Santa could clearly be seen,
the propeller and two funnels of 'The Titanic'.
Mrs Santa was called to the scene of the crime,
where she screamed and fell down to the floor,
screaming again as she fell on some marbles
and even louder as she rolled out the door.
'I'll fix Santa's wounds!' said Norman,
as he jumped down from a very high shelf,
'Thank heavens for that!' the helpers all cried,
'For Norman, the National Elf'.
But now they all had a big problem,
for Santa's trip of twenty-four thousand miles
could never take place with a ship in his bum,
which was playing merry hell with his piles.
'It's your fault, you steaming great numpty!'
The helpers yelled at Fnarg, in a rage,
'We're now running forty-five minutes late,
he should be dashing over Spain at this stage!'
So Fnarg was hustled and bustled,
as they squeezed him into a red suit,
then glued on some wool for a fluffy, white beard
and finished him off with black boots.
'You've got to get going immediately!'
Said an elderly gnome named Ray,
'Santa's having extractive surgery,
so we need you to leave right away!'
Just then a door opened and in walked a pixie,
Herringbone Twang was his name,
his eyes rolling madly with panic,
his arms full with toys and games.
'Things look bad' said he, with a frown,
'The kids' presents aren't going well at all,
all the bicycles have got square tyres,
the 'Swingball' is all swing and no ball...
Barbie's  totally drunk in the kitchen,
singing a very loud, vulgar song,
while Action Man watches her clapping,
Shoving Monopoly cash in her thong...
Ken's in the cupboard with Sindy,
they're all over each other,' he groaned,
'The Pokemon are all playing 'Russian Roulette' 
and Winnie the Pooh just got stoned...
in the toy hospital it's total chaos,
beds all full of sick Beanie Babies,
they're all screaming and frothing at the mouth,
I'm starting to think they've got rabies...
The Playstation 4's have all gone on strike,
Bob the Builder's gone gay,
Noddy's doing a ram-raid in Toytown,
all in all, it's a hell of a day!'
Now in everyone's life, there comes a time
when we have to stand up and be brave,
so they found Fnarg hiding in a flowerpot 
and frogmarched him to the Santa Cave.
There, down in the grotto, his eyes fell upon
a pure vision of Christmas delight,
for the walls were all covered with magic
and the floors shone with sweet, rainbow light.
There, in the middle, stood a sight to behold,
a huge sleigh of gold, steel and wood,
ready to deliver gifts to all girls and boys
who've been good all year round, as they should.
There the magnificent reindeer were:
Dasher, Vixen, Comet and Dancer,
Blitzen, Donner, Bernard then Cupid
and eating a cream bun, brave Prancer.
At the head stood Rudolph the Red Nose - 
so handsome and quick to the last!
Behind him was Bernard the Brown Nose - 
just as speedy, but can't stop so fast.
'Now listen!' Said Herringbone Twang to Fnarg,
'We don't have time for any twaddle.
It's late and we're really up a certain creek...
and we don't even have any paddle.
So, you go out there and do your best,
I know there's no presents to give out,
but there's enough fairy dust magic for one last wish...
this is YOUR fault, you stupid, great lout! 
For, with Santa disabled, the toys have rebelled
and all of their magic's gone bad,
so you've got this small pile of fairy dust,
I want the best Christmas we've ever had!
Let's see billions of happy smiles
and people with no worried care...
if you don't then I'll rip both your arms off
and feed them to Paddington Bear!'
So Fnarg was thrown in the back of the sleigh
and Rudolph's red nose twinkled bright,
as the reindeer and sleigh swooped skywards,
up into the starry, clear night.
Young Fnarg stared hard at the fairy dust
and wondered quite what he could do,
just now he'd been putting ships into bottles
but now he was deep in the poo.
With just enough magic for one big wish
he thought hard about what he should say...
perhaps he could aim for bringing world peace...
or make hunger and famine go away.
Fnarg looked out and saw twinkling lights,
as far as his eyes could see
and said 'Just make Christmas a perfect time,
make it joyful, as it really should be.
Take away all the stress throughout the world
and all things that make Christmas unpleasant,
put an end to pressures, worry and greed
and ban the giving of presents.'
From the sleigh there came a flash and a bang,
then suddenly nothing but quiet.
'That was perfect' said Rudolph, turning his head.
'I hope so,' said Fnarg, 'had to try it.'
The sleigh turned east and flew through the air
as it returned to the chilly North Pole.
'No more presents?' yelled the elves, when he told them.
'Oh great, we'll all be on the dole!'
On Christmas morning over six billion people 
awoke with huge smiles on their face,
then each closed their eyes slowly
and said a prayer for the whole human race.
Not a thought was aimed to wrapped presents,
or the size of the turkey they had,
instead everyone thought of their loved ones
and sent prayers to the sick and the sad.
No-one homeless sat on the roadside,
those without were invited inside,
the world rang with torrents of laughter
and everyone's heart shone with pride.
People forgot all religious division
and the colour of one's skin at birth,
for the first time people truly listened
to their brothers and sisters on Earth.
They danced and listened intently,
while smiling for all of the day,
meaning all hatred, fear and ignorance
began melting and fading away.
In the evening as darkness descended,
a pinpoint in the sky grew bright
and all who watched the hovering star
knew that all was perfectly right.
'How long will it last?' said Fnarg Applepip,
to Santa, who stood by his side,
both watching the light in the sky grow in strength,
their eyes and their mouths open wide.
'A day...a month...who can tell?
At least they're not living in fear.
In theory, it should be forever...
if not, there's always next year.
You've given them hope and shown them peace,
in short - now they have a new start.
It's their lesson to become even closer,
instead of finding ways to keep them apart.
Let them feel the joy of unconditional love
and let them find their true way.'
So ended an important day for all humans.
The most perfect of all Christmas days.

Kev Milsom © 2003

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